This is Spurs new stadium. And its wonderful. It will become a beacon for the good, the holy, the noble and the brave. And they’ll have to be a bit brave as this spectacular edifice, this monument to sport and all its riches, sits basically in Sodom & Gomorra central. In the urban slum that is Tottenham. The last notable ‘wow!’ that the high road received was when Turjit Akbal put a new sign over his take-away depicting a rotating kebab. And it lit up at night. Until Turjit stopped paying his electricity bill. But as a kebab shop, it ticks all the boxes: its cheap, spicy, very tasty, is fab when you’re too drunk to appreciate the difference, and its quite near a general hospital.

And I’m happy that Spurs aren’t moving. They’re staying where they should, where they belong (among the massage parlours and fish & chip shops and used car part emporia), in Tottenham. Because for Tottenham Hotspur to play their home games in Esher would be horrible. Or Croydon, Southend or Walthamstow even. “We are Tottenham”, sing the faithful every week, “from the Lane” and thus will it continue. As opposed to: “We are Tottenham, from Ashton-under-Lyme”.

But staying is not always the easy thing it implies. Because if you build the new ground on top of the old one, you can’t do it whilst they’re playing. Someone would get hurt. Going up for a header when a 60 metre crane drops half a new stand on you. And so, the ‘seamless transfer’ is now not going to be quite as seamless. A local company (Arsenal fans) are appealing against the compulsory purchase order of their poxy, worthless little site, just to stall things. Bastards. And so now, it would appear, Spurs will be displaced for the entire 2017-18 season. Which is a bit of a problem. 20 matches, no fixed abode. We can either play them at a whole variety of changing venues, we could use Wembley for some, but not for all of them due to ‘other commitments’ and we can’t use the Olympic Stadium because West Ham, being hateful, vengeful swines, won’t let us. The only other option, the horror of horrors… MK Stadium, Milton (fucking) Keynes. 60 miles up the motorway, in godforsaken no-where-land, with barely a kebab shop in sight. What an awful thought. Who’ll pay the petrol money?

Though if you stay on the motorway for just a bit longer you can instead go to Manchester United to see their new, recently signed, 145 million quids’ worth of global superstars recently added to their ranks. Even though they’re still losing. And although money has never been a problem for them Mancs, the richest club in the world, (despite the Glazers’ best efforts) their year out of Champions League football will cost them dearly. Never mind; sell Danny Welbeck and you make up some of the difference. In fact, sell him to your biggest rivals (ok, so are Liverpool, certainly Man City, but in terms of pure hatred?), Arsenal for 16 million pounds. When the average football boot cleaner goes for £25 mil, and a hot-dog vendor for 32. Panic buying is one thing, but panic selling? I smell rats. And wish young Danny had come to Spurs.

Happy thursday,

A xxxx