I don’t know why the ‘north London derby’ is so important. But it is. It really is. Really, truly, heart-shatteringly, anxiety-pumpingly, panic-strickenly, hair-rippingly, screaming-at-the-tv-ly, self-harmingly… important.

And in such a relaxed state, after my brief holiday and return from Watford, did I sit down with a nice cuppa tea (tea is always referred to as ‘nice’ in that way, even though most poeple’s tea is shit and only mine is truly ‘nice’). And I was a little nervy, I was mildly anxious but I breathed deeply, separated my yin from my yang, found my happy place and engaged.

I don’t know which football match everyone else was watching but it wasn’t the same as mine. Because the pundits yesterday and the reporters this morning described some kind of ‘balanced’ match, ‘great for the neutrals’ and a ‘fair result’. What I was watching was the equivalent of mediaeval torture. Spurs were just terrible, Arsenal fast, furious and threatening our goal every 4 seconds. Whilst our hapless midfielders gave them the ball back at every opportunity, theirs were a picture of patience, skill and technique. As we learned in The Matrix, there is no ‘absolute reality’. The relief that washed over me at the final whistle left me in a (metaphorical) heap on the floor shaking and crying. If there’d been 2 more minutes of added time I think I’d be in hospital today. And for the rest of the week.

I wish I knew why that match is so important to me. Spurs lost to Newcastle last weekend which was ridiculous and shameful (no offence to Newcastle… yeah, ok, they’re rubbish and had no right to do that) and it caused me no more than its due. Frustration, mild anger at my team and its unsettled status, upset.

But when its Arsenal its different. And the view gets distorted. Twisted by the sheer pressure of the event. So everything we do wrong or they do right is magnified to disastrous proportions in my mind. The good bits just serve to frustrate later on when it all inevitably goes tits up.

Yet the fact is that we secured a worthwhile draw. Ok we were 2-nil up but (in my mind at least) we had no real right to be in that position in the first place. Though I did like it there. Or would have done if I could have relaxed enough to enjoy it.

But we look forwards. We ‘take positives’ (none’a them in my house) and learn lessons. And this is what we learned:

NEVER play Sanchez at right back again
NEVER let Sissoko take a shot on goal when there’s options
NEVER let Eriksen go anywhere. Chain him to the Spurs shop if necessary
NEVER watch a north London derby without medication

Happy Monday

A xxxx