I’ve decided to go ‘all out woke’. There’s no room for compromise in my life, no need for half measures, if I’m woke, I’m gonna be the woke-iest, right-on-iest, totally hip, groovy, bearded (its growing, needs another 3 inches), shit-kickin’ cancel-monkey ever, with more pronouns than you could even imagine, and will boycott almost everything!

And all because I ate a vegetarian meal last night. From Shoreditch. I mean, come on, you simply cannot be more woke than that. Yeah, of course I realise that being ‘woke’ is not just about diet, that there’s politics involved, lots of politics.

(However, before getting embroiled in that shit, the meal in question was a delivery job from Bubala, the hippest, trendiest, veggie-est restaurant ever. I been there and it is brilliant, and for my birthday/anniversary the daughter, to try and relieve some of her guilt, ordered us a DIY version of their meze. Which is spectacular, even when I’m sorting out the haloumi and applying the ‘black seed honey’).

So I totally approve of St Paul’s Girls School abandoning the use of the term ‘head girl’. It’s way too binary, as they said… at St Paul’s GIRL’S school. Hmmmmm. But I think that indiscriminate use of the term ‘head’ is totally wrong in any gender based context. Boys can do ‘head’ as well, just go to Piccadilly Circus with a 20 pound note and see how many offers you get. So well done to the head (oh, must work on that too) mistress there, who now needs to get to work on the school name which I personally feel is totally discriminatory, prejudicial, presumptive and lacking the pre-requisite ‘57 varieties’ required for proper, woke, inclusivity. Then I think we need to call out ‘Johnson & Johnson’ as well, for similar reasons.

Ikea know about woke. Their political statement is 13 pages long, with full instructions on how to assemble, obviously. But like all things Ikea, you’re left with one screw short, or six bolts that you should have put in on page 2. Anyway, they’ve decided to withdraw their advertising on the new GBNews channel, starring the world’s most revolting man, Andrew Neil. Because it claims to be ‘anti-woke’. The bastards!!! So Ikea, forever on message, severed ties. Yet have 2 of their branches in Saudi Arabia. Where they burn gay people, abuse women and stone furniture manufacturers to death for the fun of it.

If you’re going to be woke, or any other kind of total tosser, YOU HAVE TO DO IT PROPERLY. Like me!

Happy Sunday

Andy (him, his, ours, theirs, whatever, non-binary, genetically-challenged…)
xxxx