I’m worried about Kim Jong-Un. He’s been ‘absent’. Unseen since April 11th and that concerns me. He didn’t come for dinner last night, missed out on our Zoom drinks date on Saturday and sales of Marlborough Reds have declined in North Korea over the past month. All of which is deeply disturbing. His absences are equally unusual. He didn’t attend some army parade or other in Pyongyang, and he loves an army parade. Almost as much as he loves a missile testing, and he missed the last one of those too.

Reports are numerous. And coming from the world’s most secretive and opaque county, most are completely meaningless speculation without any grounding in intelligence or information.

He’s dead! That was in the Mail so for that reason alone it is fairly safe to assume that Kim is alive and well. And probably not reading the Daily Mail.

He’s had major heart surgery. Which is certainly credible as he looks like a heart-attack-waiting-to-happen. Or possibly, did look like that. Now we don’t know. We do know he is, clinically speaking, a fat little fuck, who drinks likes a fish and smokes like a chimney. And one report stated that the surgeon was so nervous he was literally shaking and fucked up the op. Which is almost as believable as Kim being abducted by aliens from Venus. Who you know would have sent him back pretty sharpish. And you kind’a think that if the surgeon had become incapacitated by nerves, he’d have passed on delicate tasks to one of his minions. Not like he would have been operating ‘alone’.

Kim, like all children, has his own train set. In his case, its a real, proper, 1:1 train. 250 metres of it. And it has been spotted by a seaside resort on the east coast. So possibly he went sunbathing. Or paddling. Crabbing. Convalescing.

So many possibilities. Kim is the new Elvis. Everyone knows where he is but no-one’s actually seen him. And if they have, they ain’t tellin’.

Should the esteemed leader really be in an unfortunate confluence of shit and fan, we needn’t worry, as little Sis, Kim Yo-jong, is fit and ready to carry on brother’s good work, making sure that their population remain repressed, impoverished and beaten into submission. That their nation continues to piss off everybody within a 3,000 mile radius and beyond. Because Yo-jong is a proven bitch from the same hell her brother emerged.

We’re thinking of you, Jong-un,

Happy Day before the one after the last one

A xxxx