That’s because I’m an Englishman. Or am I???

According to the Reform UK party current line, I may be ‘British’, but not fully ‘English’. Shame, because I love a full English. Yet Suella Braverman, whatever she eats for breakfast, remains firmly attached to this structure. She’s British, because she was born here, but not English because her parents were immigrants. From a-nuther land far away! I’m not sure why there is then a ‘British/English’ line of entitlement to nationalistic claim, you’d have to ask Richard Tyce. Who, when asked if he considered Kemi B to be ‘English’, he basically refused to answer. But you see, my grandmother was born in Poland! Can’t I be three quarters English? Both my parents were bona fide Cockneys, and yet Farage and co want to take away my very Englishness???? I have three lions tattooed on my forehead, FFS!!! Though only metaphorically. Can’t I be a metaphorical Englishman? But living here is no criterion. Otherwise the… boat people!!!! would all be English too. And no-one wants that. Well, Nigel Farage certainly doesn’t want that. Its a right wing thing; turn the country into a club with very strict membership requirements.

To be Jewish has those too. It’s a different club. Basically, you’re born Jewish. You don’t get a choice. You can end your membership from a practical perspective whenever you choose, but you’ll always ‘be Jewish’ as far as people like Hitler and Nigel Farage are concerned. But along with the right to be periodically persecuted, sometimes catastrophically, genocidally, horrendously, you get used to being evicted from more countries than you knew existed.

However, in between the persecutions, evictions, holocausts and forced conversions, life can be good. So good that people want to join the club. Jews have never been evangelical; we don’t want to convert the world; we’d run out of chopped liver on Fridays. But if people want to, they can ‘convert’. Lots do. Well, one or two. Like Sammy Davis Jnr. Elizabeth Taylor, to marry Eddie Fisher. Similarly Marylin Monroe converted to marry Arthur Miller. Ivana Trump when she married Kushner. More women than men. Obviously. Because there’s no pain involved. Though now there are certain synagogues that will allow foreskins to enter their building!

The latest to voice words of conversion is Sydney Sweeney. Oh my. We’ll take her in a minute. They’ll ask her why she wants to ‘join’. And she’ll spout some bollocks about ‘spiritual awakenings’ and ‘Moses spoke to me in a dream’, but she might mention that her intended husband is Jewish. Ahhhh. Inevitably this means a nominal Jew and a nominal non-Jew, both unbelievers, work and study the blessings and traditions and the conversion is complete. So they can go back to their totally secular, unbelieving, non-participating lives as if it was all a Hollywood dream. And yet, that works for me. Totally. As exemplified by none more fabulous than MEEEE (it’s all about me), being Jewish is a state of mind. Like living in Radlett. And it’s not about praying. It’s about a 3000 year old tradition. And eating lots of strange food of Polish origin. And, yes, if you’re not some messianic lunatic, it’s about being a Zionist, to some extent. Because once you’re a Jew, you have to always keep your eyes on where you might go if…

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. But paranoia based on 3000 years of experience is slightly more justified. I’m taking Sydney and running away. For safety. Security.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx