Football has become too unruly, the rules too ambiguous, too subject to contextual interpretation by highly qualified individuals, (and no-one wants that), too inconsistent. Even, or perhaps because of, VAR, which hasn’t really solved anything. We need certainty. We need clarity and consistency. So here are the NEW rules, which will be adopted totally by FIFA, EUFA, The Premiere League and any other footballing entity that people can be bothered to watch.

1. The showing of a red card can ONLY mean sending off and suspension IF the nearest fat blonde agrees to it.
2. Red cards against MY team must be immediately overturned.
3. Red cards against the opposing teams are to be encouraged.
4. Any breaking of these rules may be considered ‘rigging’ of the game.
5. The ultimate court of appeal for footballing offences is the President of the United States.
6. Footballing knowledge or experience is NOT required for the implementation of these new rules. Just any old fan saying ‘that was never a red card!!’ is sufficient for the offence to be rescinded. If he’s fat and blond, obviously.
7. Anything the President is unhappy about must IMMEDIATELY be changed. Including goals scored against America.

Gianni Infantino, the head of world football!!!, is in full and final agreement and, as soon as he finishes supervising the furniture arriving at his new Miami mansion, he will implement the new regulations.

Donald Trump is the world’s worst loser. He doesn’t lose. He can’t lose. He’s the rich kid in the playground who pays the bullies cash to beat up wimpy kids. He’s the fat fuck who gropes women and then pays them for their silence. Any bad evidence against him is automatically ‘fake news’; yet he puts out real ‘fake news’ regularly. And seeing his star striker sent of for a horrible foul, he immediately called upon his understanding of the game which was… nothing, and his mastery of refereeing rules, which was… nothing, and decided that, “that decision was rigged”. So he called Infantino, the man called into FIFA to break the horrendous culture of corruption, and a day later a quite literally never before used rule was invoked so that America’s ‘star’ could play in last night’s game against Belgium. Because Trump said: “that wasn’t a bad tackle, I know about these things”. Whereas, as we all know; he knows fuck all about anything, but about ‘soccer’???

America lost 4-1 in last night’s game. Which is brilliant. And yet in some ways irrelevant.

Infantino should not be able to survive this. It just stinks. He just stinks. There is no way back.

Today’s picture I call ‘nob with a medal’.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx