I’m a political animal. Probably a cross between a skunk and a hyena. Maybe a bit of rat in there. Oh, and tiger. I like tigers. But I ‘quite literally’ (NB, when used in any political sense, the term ‘quite literally’ means whatever follows is seven million miles from ‘literal’; it may be metaphorical, hyperbolical, nonsensical but never ‘literal’. Politicians are totally illiteral), absorb politics. I eat, sleep and drink politics. And today is the high point of any given year. Polling Day!!! The day when it all becomes real. The day you actually get to exercise your democratic right to try and create a better world. That’s quite a burden when the only tool you have to ‘make the world a better place’ is a fucking pencil. When what you really need is a Kalashnikov.

Today’s local council elections (do I care what happens in Scotland? Wales?? Mayoral elections in Wandsworth??) are the nation’s opportunity to express its love and confidence in the incumbent government. Or not.

And that is a ‘not’ of such immense proportions that I ‘quite literally’ am exploding with excitement. Because everyone hates the government. They always hate every government in power but this time it’s something special. Because we are being led by a bunch of wishy tossers who get everything wrong. So because today is only voting for ‘local councils’ which ‘don’t really matter’, the vote is purely an expression of, in this case, hate for our leaders. And we do hate them, and with very good yet very varied reasons.

Labour was voted in as a much-needed antidote to our 14 years of Tory farce. 10 minutes after Sir Kier entered Number 10 everyone realised what a massive mistake we’d all made. Well, not me, I would never ever vote for such a weak, wet, Arsenal-supporting tosser. But you did, so it’s your mistake.

So with the Tories now catastrophically weakened, even though their current leader is the best thing in politics, possibly in the whole world, and Labour totally disastrous, our political spectrum is widening. And I have a big problem with that.

I’m a centrist. But like dead centre. Which should make me a natural Lib-Dem, but I hate them. They’re too centrist. And led by a clown. The ‘main’ two parties are 1.5 degrees to the right or left of centre. Where they should be. Where I like them. Tony Blair and David Cameron. The same person.

But discontent with the Tories and Labour have opened up the field to the… extremes! Well, another 5.7 degrees off centre anyway. Reform and the (fucking) Greens. And I’ll be impartial and non-judgmental in my assessment, as I always try to be.

Should either of these two fledgling parties ever come to power in this fine and (potentially) wonderful country, I’m going. Although diametrically opposite in political positioning, both are toxic.

Nigel Farage (because HE IS the Reform Party, and only he) is a brilliant speaker, the best there is. And he’s a populist and knows how to maximise his words to engage… well, white British people. But he’s not a million miles from the far Right, where he started. And once he’s ’sorted out the brown people’, then he’ll revert to the original bete noir of the Right; Jews. But other than that (??) he’s impressive.

The Green Party has become ‘the party of the young’. Who were lured in by their promises of a cleaner, brighter future, full of trees and flowers and no diesel fumes or coal burning; a world where vegans don’t have to feel ashamed (which is no world I live in). But once lured in, new boss, Zack the Rabid, swayed the whole lot of them over to Palestine. He realised that there are a lot of Muslims in this country passionate about that cause (25% of British Muslims agree with Hamas) and they all have a vote. In fact, in local elections, many have several votes. Just ask Lutfur Rahman. So Zack abandoned his Jewish roots and even his family (who all hate him; as we all do) to engage anyone around who holds a ‘free Palestine’ or ‘death to all Jews’ banner and embrace them into his ‘family’. And his ‘vetting process’ is as good as Kier Starmer’s, as 30 of the Green’s candidates are under various stages of police intervention for posting antisemitic shit on social media. The only saving grace is that on the eve of the local council elections, Zack has been accused of not-paying his council tax.

But unfortunately, these elections don’t seem to be about councils, pot-holes, local services, as much as Palestine, antisemitism and people arriving in small boats.

Where shall I put my ‘X’?

Happy polling day

A xxxx