Piddington. Sleepy little Oxfordshire town. Population 358. Notice; there’s no ambiguity, no vagary, nothing in doubt. When old Mr Barclay eventually dies, it’ll be 357 and when young Mary-Ellen gives birth in February it’ll either go back to 358 or temporarily reach 359!!! until Barclay gives up the fight. They’re almost tempted to revise the population figures every time someone there goes on holiday.

2 miles away sits MOD Bicester. Its an old, disused army base. Into which our government plans to pour 1200 asylum-seeking refugees. And stuck out in the middle of the beautiful British countryside, these ‘boys’ (because they’re all men) are going to go out and explore. They can either go to Bicester Village and buy lots of bargains from Britain’s foremost (and certainly its most hateful) ‘designer outlet depot’, or they can stroll just 2 miles into the pretty little town of Piddington. All 1200 of ’em. Outnumbering the local population by 3 to 1.

The locals, all white, middle-class, middle-England, Lib-Dem voting, champagne-socialist NIMBYs, are waiting with open-arms and flowers to greet these poor, disenfranchised, homeless, stateless, passportless group. Because its the humane thing to do. That’s Lib-Dem policy; so its our policy.

Oh, no! We’re not racist at all!!! We’re not ‘anti-boat-people’, we approve of giving them refuge. The problem is purely… errrrr… well, its cultural, and obviously, numerical.

The people of Piddington are British. Born and raised into a free-speaking democracy underpinned with lots and lots of laws to protect everything from their equality to their human rights.

Not all refugees are rapists. Unfortunately because these people enter the country with no passports, no visas, no papers and effectively no identities, we don’t know which ones the rapists are. Suffice to say that all of them were raised in countries where the rules are a bit different. Places where the ‘rule of law’ would appear, to us, to have been written by Russell Brand and David Walliams (et al. Foreword by Jimmy Savile). And many don’t obey that rule of law anyway.

The government have pledged to take refugees out of the ridiculously expensive hotels currently used, and instead put them into ‘complexes’ (read: ‘prisons’); which are unused government buildings. To which everyone approves. As long as those buildings are not ’round here’. And I get that too. Our children should be safe playing outside. Our daughters free to play-dress in ‘slut-chic’ all they want. And no-one should have to feel intimidated by gangs of youths with too much time on their hands.

So the answer is…

Who fucking knows?

Happy Friday

A xxxx