I’m addressing the nation, for the first time, from down here in God-forsaken Loondoon. I want to tell you of my vision for the coontreh, and for us all. How life oonder me is going to be just marvellous and woonderful.

Because I feel your pain. I am just an ordinary man, just one who speaks with a fooneh accent. And just like you, I’ve spent the entire summer posting on tik-tok and instagram, having loads of fun, whilst the country burned. Perhaps that’s not appropriate behaviour for a Prime Minister, but it was a lorra foon. And now its to work.

Yes, we’ll devolve goovernment around the whole coontreh which will increase growth. I know this first-hand from my time as Mayor of Manchestah, which has given me a ‘theory of growth’. Because that citeh has grown massively in my 15 years there. Oddly, the deficit there between income and expenditure has grown even more over that time. That’s why its just a ‘theory’ at the moment.

We’re going to ‘take control’ of the water and power and all the stoof wot Maggie Thatcher sold off to raise a few billion for the rich. We’re not going to ‘nationalise’ it; I’ve been told that might be as expensive as it is impossible, but we’ll ‘take control’. You just watch. Not sure exactly what that might look like, but we’ll all see how great it will be.

We need more space in prisons. Because as shit as the UK is at producing anything worth buying, we can all be proud of our ability at producing criminals. Yes, we’re going to release some a little early from their sentences. But they’ll be tagged and monitored and curfewed and restricted. They won’t be ‘free’. More, ‘free with a funny thing on their ankles’. Yet those who helped murder PC Andrew Harper will not be released. We’ve decided not to include manslaughterers in the list, just so those two vile scoombags aren’t let out. And just think how popular they’ll be with all the others convicted of manslaughter, who were about to walk home but because of these 2, will now have to stay incarcerated. I give them 2 weeks max. That’ll reduce the prison population by 2. And we’re gonna build more cells. In cleaning cupboards, empty rooms, storage areas. See; proper use of space. Ok, sleeping inside an oven is not the most comfortable, but this isn’t a Premier Inn, ya know.

We’re also going ta stop all the small boats, get rid of all the traffickers and build 2 million new council homes as well. All in the first 3 months of my government.

And I appreciate there will be ‘extra costs’ involved, so we’ll all have to ‘chip in’ a little extra. About 35% extra on taxes should just about coover it, I reckon.

Happy… ME-day

Andy (other ‘Andy’; not the normal one; if you can call that ‘normal’)
xxxx