Because of the cost of living crisis, Mr Healey, our Chancellor, will today announce that he is reducing tariffs on certain items of food, which will benefit not just me, but anyone else who eats marmalade baked beans with pickled gerkins on top. You should try it. Its very nutritious (baked beans are a ‘superfood’), good for the gut (pickled foods do something or other in there which is apparently beneficial; ever seen a constipated Ashkenazi??), and… is vaguely marmalady.

Ok, he is doing the same for other foods, like sweets and chocolates. Which seems odd when you consider the ongoing fight against obesity. There again, lay on a nice layer of blubber; turn down the central heating. But in fact, he’s going to ‘remove the standing charge’ from our heating bills. Saving £45 a year for everybody!!! But if you reckon there are about 20 million fuel bill paying households, that means the energy industry is about 900 million quid down on the deal. And as Healey can’t do much about the ‘unit cost’ part of the bill, where will the industry make up the short-fall? I wonder…

These are the ‘sweeteners’ in the budget. The ‘no cost’ (to the government) little perks which Chancellors feel, incorrectly, will endear them to us. Before they get to the tax bit. And then, inevitably, the 2p off a tin of baked beans will be overshadowed by the £32,000 hike in tax.

Meanwhile, over in the nation of our ‘special relationship’, our Don is busy increasing his collection of South American presidents and presidential candidates. Having ‘captured’ Nicolas Maduro earlier this year, he’s now added Flavio Bolsonaro. Having lost Sunday’s election in Brazil, Flav, who’s father was shamed by scandal, was facing accusations of money-laundering. So where better to go than that sanctuary of liberal compassion and understanding. Where the only rule is: if you’re a right-winger, you’re welcome. Those of a more lefterly persuasion go to jail.

I’m glad the chancellor reduced the price of chocolate. It should be fucking free!! I should get it on the NHS. Because chocolate is one of the best things in life. The other best thing being Fleetwood Town FC.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx