I live in a conservation area. Rule 1. You MUST have a hedge. No little brick walls, no iron gates with attack dogs, but a hedge. And for about 8 months of the year we have a kind of ‘apology’ for a hedge. Because it’s not ‘normal’ hedge stuff, but beech trees. And they’re deciduous (oh, look it up, FFS) so they drop their leaves in… they do it slowly, we spend most of those 8 months picking up/blowing/sucking/raking fucking beech leaves. And then… and then…

In May: this happens. It’s like the ugly duckling. It becomes the bestest, greenest, loveliest hedge in the world. Of course, by June it’s infested with aphids and greenfly and all manner of little fuckers, but I’m ready with my spray gun and my shotgun.

And by July the local trust, or the council, the ones who ‘insist on a hedge with the full power of the law!!!’, come to tell me it’s too thick. Encroaching on the pavement. Makes it hard for the dog walkers to let horrible pooches crap underneath it. “You have too much hedge”, they tell me. And rather than just tell them to fuck right off, we have to have it ‘trimmed’. Which takes 3 men a whole day. Lazy men. Who sleep a lot. Coffee breaks. Long lunch. But a whole day.

A few years ago I decided I wanted the two sides to meet and create an arch. Andy’s Arch. So I groomed it. In a strictly non-Epstein way. I like hacking.

Anyway, thought I’d ‘share’ (you can join me in a little bit of ‘sick’ at that phrase). Because I just spent 20 minutes opening up the sides otherwise if we get any fat people coming round they have to enter by the driveway. Might scratch the cars.

And I especially liked hacking this morning because I’m bored to fuck with Kier Starmer and Wes Streeting and took my aggression out on the greenery. The dullard and the pre-pubescent numbskull with delusions of grandeur. And much as I hate Starmer with more than mere passion, Streeting is a nob. The nob’s nob. And even if he is ‘a bit better’ than Starmer, is it really worth the entire country with all its current woes being put on hold for the 4 or 5 months it will take to endure the leadership protocols and all the boxes being ticked by each and every member of each and every trade union in the country, in accordance with the laws on Diversity, Equality and Inclusivity? Just for a change of plonker? Starmer is dull but at least you know he has a fully functional brain under there somewhere. Streeting? Not so sure. Running the country?? I am sure: he’s not fit for purpose.

But he resigned as health minister this morning. The first (of many, many) towards taking over in number 10.

I feel a bit bad having slagged off Starmer relentlessly ever since he became leader of the opposition, now offering him my unconditional support, but that’s politics. If Angela Rayner or Ed Miliband or even, God forbid, Andy Burnham enter the fray, I’ll be Wes Streeting’s poster boy. Until then, fuck off Wes, let’s get on with running the country. Especially as we ‘enjoyed’ a ‘growth’ this quarter of 0.6%!!!! Wow. The way Rachel Reeves was banging on this morning, you’d think it was 60%. But no, 0.6%. If my pension pot grew by 0.6% in a quarter I’d sack the fund manager.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx